The Guilt Nobody Warns First Gen Builders About

Kristina Hall
0:21

Well then, it's time

Stoy Hall
0:28

While yes, built around first gen wealth guilt in general, but I've got four badass women on here who, one, are my ideal clientele in general, but also I know have gone through some of this, I don't wanna call it first gen wealth guilt per se, but being women, being business owners in this world, and whether it's you having kids, whether it's you're dealing with all the crap that's going on in the world, I know there's something heavy there. Uh, we've all each individually talked about it, but it is there. And it's not only for women, right? Like, majority

Empowered To Succeed, Given No Map To Follow

Stoy Hall
1:00

of what we deal with is women, LGBTQ, and minority, um, business owners. Um, back to it though, it's, it's not just one. It's like the entire part of America where we're the ones that have to deal with a lot more emotions and guilt and things that come up in our life that- Things

NoBS Wealth
1:16

that come up in

Stoy Hall
1:16

our life that, well, that middle-aged rich white

NoBS Wealth
1:19

guys don't. Um,

Stoy Hall
1:20

let's just be real about that. So, um, let's walk through that. Let's walk through e- either you personally, individually, or in general this, this, uh, first gen wealth guilt thing, building what you're building based upon who you are and what our society has raised us all to be or to think to be.

Ashley Quamme
1:40

So I, I don't mind jumping in. Um So personally, I came, come from a middle-class family. Both my parents worked. My dad was the breadwinner. My mom, uh, she worked, uh… Uh, so career feels like a strong word, but jobs also feels a bit maybe diminished, demean- Like, she worked jobs. I don't know if I would say she had a career. Um, but has in more of the later stages started to build some of that career in, in banking. But growing up, right, I saw my mom work in different areas, different sectors, and she, she always worked. Her mother, my grandmother, did not. She was a stay-at-home military wife. Um, a- and so there's been this like, I saw this progression in what was kind of communicated to me, like as a woman, is to go out and be independent, um, and to be able to take care of yourself and not, you know, don't want you to like to depend on a man. Like, make your own way. Um, and not that those were not helpful messages, because they were. Simultaneously, like my father like also very much communicated like, "You can do anything a man can do." Like, not factually true, but like I appreciated like the vote of confidence, um, you know, there. But it was more of like a sense of empowering, like empowering me. Um, and my dad had a very small CPA practice, so he worked for, like, a firm, but he saw, like, clients on the side. But the idea of, like, being a business owner, I didn't have a model really, like, for that. I was just told, you know, "Be able to take care of yourself." And my dad, like, he would communicate to me, like, you know, "Hey, work– If you can, like, work for yourself." Um, like, "Be your own boss. You can do it." There's a lot, like, as a, as a woman, like, growing up, like a young wo- like, there were really empowering, like, messages that I heard, like, on repeat, uh, for both of my parents. Um, but I didn't have a model. Like, what does that look like as a woman who very much is ambitious and, like, wants a career, wants to build something that is meaningful? But also, like, I wanted to be a mom, and it was like this, "I kinda wanna have it all, um, but I don't even know if I can. I don't… That feels maybe selfish." Um, also, who else does that? Do– I didn't know anyone that, that did that. And I would say even s- not, not still now, but in my personal life, so in my, you know, circle of friends, in my family system, you know, my husband Clayton and I, like, we are both business owners. No one else in our family, they're business owners, and there are just unique challenges that come with that. Um, but also, like, on the female side, uh, and the mom side, it's like, "Well, you don't have to." Like, I get told, like, "You don't have to work." Um, like, "You could just be with your kids and not stress out in the summer," uh, when, you know, they're running around and like, you know, "Mom, can you take me here? Can you take me there?" Like, can you ta- you know, yeah, I'd love to just do that, but I also want something else, like, for me. So there's this t- like, for me, there is this, like, ten- constant, like, tension of, like, who, who am I supposed to be? Who do I want to be? Uh, and who do I need to be? And, like, talking, talking with other particularly, like female, um, business owners. And listen, I'm gonna like crap on therapists here for a second, Rachel. This is not like meaning to you. Like, but, um, as a clinician, like when I went into therapy, that was a female, is still like a female. It's very female, like heavily like dominated, and I kind of thought, like, "This is my tribe," like other like female like practice owners. Um, but I found that, you know, one, they, they kind of were, but like also kind of weren't. Um, and they struggled with a lot of the same things I did, but that growth mindset of like I want something more for myself, and like I wanna make a good living, and yeah, I wanna help people, but like I also wanna make money, too. And I, I… There is a sense of like I do deserve that. Um, you know, and I, and I can do that. I'm capable of doing that. Unfortunately, like more by l- by and large, more so in the mental health community, you, we talk about shame, like, man, you are like put on the stake and like burned if you start talking about like, "I want to make a good living, and I wanna charge like a, you know, I'll say a premium price because, you know, I offer a lot of value." Like, uh-uh, like there's a lot of like shaming around that. So, like even living in that kind of space for over a decade, like really messed with me. Um, and I don't even know if I'm completely out of that since I've moved over to the darker side of financial services. Um, they're like both dark sides. I, I don't know which one's darker. Like, it just kind of depends like on any given day. Uh, but, you know, some of that has been helpful, like seeing, you know, hey, I can… It is okay for me to make money as a woman, as a mom, as a business owner. Like, that is okay, but I, you know, I'll be honest, like it's still a journey. Like these… I don't know if I have any answers of what I have figured out other than I'm just not afraid. Um, and I try to surround my pe- myself with other people. They may not have it figured out, um, either, uh, eh, but they're also not afraid. And at least I'm in the trenches with other people who aren't scared, uh, as opposed to, as opposed to being alone, um, or surrounded by other people who claim to have it all figured out, you know? But we all know they, they do not. And, and they drink unsweet tea and eat bad barbecue. So there's that.

Kristina Hall
7:54

It's a bad barbecue for me. Yeah. I don't get that.

Ashley Quamme
7:59

I will never get that.

You're Carrying Generations You Never Met

Tessa Santarpia
8:03

Yeah. I love what you, I love what you said about, you know, needing the right support and really not le- like, not just leveraging it out to anyone, but getting the support that you actually need. Because I feel like first gen, you're not only carrying your hopes for the future, but you're carrying like generations, like generations of disappointments and failures that have happened throughout your family lineage. Everything that they couldn't accomplish, their fears, like we're storing that in the subconscious. So whether you're aware of it or not, that's always affecting you. So even your attempt to be a business owner when no one else in your family was, is a huge step for your psyche and your nervous system, and just as a human, you know, in this lifetime. So it goes back to that giving ourselves grace because the ability to not only envision then, envision that, but take active steps towards it is huge.

Building Wealth Was My Dirty Little Secret

Tessa Santarpia
9:00

Um, and I think what something that I learned very early on, luckily, was that I didn't have to do it alone, because that loneliness can be so isolating. And if you just start to reach out, like just like Google searches of what, you know, what companies exist that try to help businesses starting out? What, what, what mentors maybe exist in my space, whether it's not just the traditional pathways of this is their… You know, it's being able to explore, I do need support. It may not come in the most conventional or traditional forms of what I know and what my family has known, but there is a lot of support out there that I can tap into.

Rachel Duncan
9:45

Couldn't find the button. Yeah, I'm, I'm a, yeah, first gen wealth builder, and it's, uh, it's, it's lonely and exhausting breaking trail. You know? It's, it's very cool to be a cycle breaker. Uh, it's– and I'm more and more comfortable with it. But yeah, to really fully have left where my family came from, how I grew up, how my parents were, um, with money. You know, I was w- we all kind of tend to, I find, repeat the money patterns that we grew up with. It's like a map, right? This is what we do. And so my parents were educators. It's like you get a, y- you know, you get a job at a school or a nonprofit, and you pay the bills. You don't get into debt, but you don't pursue wealth. You kind of break even. You stay among the people. You do good work. You volunteer, and that's about it. And those people, those other people who pursue wealth, they're bad. And so then, you know, I get all just– I'm living that life when I meet my now husband who is an immigrant to this country and has full on American dream. Like, "I want a mansion. I want wealth." And I'm like, it was a total paradigm shift. We have come to the middle 'cause I'm like, "I don't care how much money I have, I'm not taking care of a mansion." Like, no. Um, so we have come to the middle there, but it really disrupted me. Like, oh, it's actually okay to want comfort and have wealth and hang on to that, and still be a good person, and still do the things that make me feel more connected to my people. But it's, I, yeah, I'm uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable with my wealth. I can just sit with, like, makes me, "Hmm." I'll just share that with y'all. I'm still sitting with this, you know? But I also realize that my suffering doesn't help the world, first off. I'm also walking my talk being a financial therapist, you know? And, um, seeing the, the, the safety that wealth provides, and I do want this experience for everyone. And, um, so yeah, that's, that's, that's my, that's my share with it, and I'm actively still right now figuring that out. But it is getting more and more comfortable and something I'm proud of, where it was like even a couple years ago, like my dirty little secret.

Ashley Quamme
11:55

Well, that's not, that's not as bad of a dirty secret as that you eat terrible barbecue, Rachel,

Bet On Yourself. Everything Is Figureoutable

Ashley Quamme
12:00

so

Rachel Duncan
12:00

That's probably true. I mean, can I just- I was

Kristina Hall
12:02

gonna say-

Rachel Duncan
12:02

It's all like, what about barbecue tofu? We'll do that.

Kristina Hall
12:06

I was gonna say, can that be my dirty little secret? Like- No. No,

Rachel Duncan
12:13

I love

Kristina Hall
12:13

that. No, I, I grew up definitely like Ashley, when you were talking before about just like, you know- Just having that beat into your head, like, "You can't rely on anybody. You know, you gotta make…" I also had that positive reinforcement, but also that piece too, and so it's like a weird, it's a weird thing to kinda sit in between es- especially as you get older. Um, so I, I definitely grew up like that too. And, you know, my, my stepdad was in private practice on his own, but in my immediate family, I'm also the first person who decided to do this. And I remember when my mom asked me probably for like the first four years, "Did you find a job yet? Did you find a job yet?" And I'm like, "Bitch, this is my job. I love you. Leave me alone." Right? And, and now obviously it's like a totally different, different ballgame, but sometimes I think my resilience is what keeps me in trouble because I'm just like, "This, I'm not backing down." Like, I'm, I'm going for it. So it's, it's interesting. It's, it's interesting. Um, but I know that we can't give it up, right?

Ashley Quamme
13:12

No. There's a quote that I used to say. I don't know who– maybe I heard it from somewhere, so if I stole it, like, I, I would attribute it to them. I don't know. But I just know since like probably grad school, um, so I'm 40, so that would've been like 15, 17 kinda years-ish ago, coming up on two decades. Um, but I remember very vividly like saying that I would rather bet on myself than anyone else. Um, and I have that, I have said that. Um, and I have said that even to, to Clayton, like, I would rather bet on us, right, than, than put that faith on, uh, in like somebody else when it comes to, uh, our financial success or making, making our own way, and I think that's been such a motivator, like, for me, like in business. Like, I trust me. This might also, um, highlight some of my own trauma. I recognize that. Um, but like I trust me. I trust my ability to be resilient. I trust my ability to figure it out, because I think that everything is figureoutable. Uh, and, and I trust, you know, us, like our couple, like unit. Um, and so, y- you know, those come from, uh, like those kind of messages, those beliefs, like those scripts obviously they come from somewhere. Um, you know, I've got a few of my own little dirty secrets other than my opinions around sweet tea and barbecue that we don't need to go into. But, uh, you know, they have informed and really shaped how I, how I pursue this work, how I pursue, like building, building wealth. And I'm not saying that it's right, it's just that's what I know, and that's what I'm confident in. Um, and, and so far, like we have a nice, we have a nice life, and it's worked, it's worked out. Um, you know, that path in my brain is very, very clear, and I'm gonna continue to take it. Uh, I don't know if I foresee a scenario where I go into like corporate W2 you know, life and I trust and put my trust in someone else or another corporation. I don't know, like, I don't wanna say never, um, you know, but it's hard f- that's hard for me to imagine and to foresee for myself. So I'll bet on me. I'll bet on us. Um, y- you know, and that's, that's what keeps me going.

Stoy Hall
15:33

Well, besides the fact- I- I just threw up about corporate, um- I noticed that we don't need to talk about corporate. Um, I want- That gave me anxiety to think about. Yeah, yeah. You said corporate, and I, I, uh- I'm like tense threw up, so we're, we're good here. Um, a- and, and we're gonna go deeper on this one. I think this one we could hit many different ways. I have a few client stories, but we are out of time for today's roundtable, folks, okay? However, if you wanna get to know what my guilt and how I feel, Ashley and I did a Father's Day episode that comes out next week, and you'll get a really deep glimpse into that. So I'll leave my story for that. But again, Tessa, Christina, Ashley, Rachel, thank you for your time. Listeners, if you've gotten this far or if this is one of the three cut ups, thank you. Thank you for st- tuning in. But we always ask this, and it is if you heard something for yourself, take that step forward. If you heard it for someone else, also help them take that step forward. We're all here to help you as much as we can. Again, as on behalf of the No BS Collective, thank you. If you wanna know more, all the resources are on the webpage. It'll be in the newsletters. Um, reach out to us if you can. Thank you.

NoBS Wealth
16:56

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